A Twist in my Sobriety!

How ironic and appropriate that it's Halloween and I'm facing my demons!!! LOL!


I have a research report to write. It's actually due in two weeks time. Naturally, I'd rather be eating cake! Initially I was excited about it but then this weekend after making the time to start it, I procrastinated and found 101 "other" things that needed my immediate attention. I justified wasting my Saturday by telling myself that I'd earned the chance to relax. Yes, even I knew this was a blatant lie but it's what I wanted to hear so I reinforced the untruth with biscuits and mochachinos! But the restlessness kept growing and I couldn't concentrate on my arch nemesis television. I was feeling ratty and irritable and by 2am the energy discord I had created had exhausted me and driven me to drag myself to bed!


Sunday I resolved to face the challenge of my report again! I woke up feeling refreshed and ready to start the day, I meditated for 2 hours, took a long hot shower singing away, I got dressed and felt fantastic!!!


I got down stairs and shied away from my books and workspace. I spent the day avoiding my project AGAIN! This time by bedtime and having wrestled with my demons considering maybe I need a glass of wine or a cigarette (I stopped drinking and smoking a while back) my inability to write my report had created a genuine feeling of nausea, discomfort and ill temper. I was rebelling against my higher self and losing. I felt awful!


What the hell was going on?


Psychology is my passion, understanding the processes of my own mind and challenging the negative thoughts in the minds of others is what I Love. Why then am I blocking myself from writing my report and showing the world that I am a scientist!??? That I DO understand the scientific principles of my discipline.


This morning I woke up with a heavy heart regarding what is a very simple piece of research to report on. Why am I not happy?


The answer as always came in my moments of stillness when through deep breathing and meditation, I quietened down all the noise associated with my thinking and asked myself to tell me why I was generating blocks to my work.


That pure loving little voice deep inside that very rarely gets to be heard above the banging racket of fear, judgement, panic, anger, insecurity and self doubt spoke up!


I'm not afraid of writing my report, hell no! I can produce an outstanding piece of work and I KNOW it! I'm not afraid that I don't understand the computer programme required to generate my statistics or the background papers I have to read and digest before putting pen to paper. HELL NO! I'm not afraid of the work, I'm afraid of the OUTCOME!


What happens after I produce a really good report? 


I'll TRULY have to acknowledge to myself that I am capable of changing how people see their world, that I really do have a gift that helps others to see their potential for their own greatness and encourages them to stand in their glory. There's a part of me that's terrified that I can't do it. That the responsibility to change the lives of others is too great. That I am a fake! That I am out of my league and where will it lead? What happens if I am as good as other people tell me I am that I know I am? What then? What happens when I finally start to change my own world in a way I only dreamed about? What happens when everything my heart desires manifests through little effort because I have aligned myself with my life's purpose? What then? 


The RESPONSIBILITY!!! I'll have to be more mindful of what I do, what I say, how I act. I'd have to put my money where my mouth is and BE the example of the inner peace and happiness I know and Love so much. Oh Shit! I can't do this!!!


That was the fear at the heart of my procrastination, I wasn't afraid that I couldn't write the report!!! HELL NO! I was afraid that I could, that I would and that because I know in my heart that I'm on the right path I'd continue to grow in my own truth. 


I wasn't afraid of failure! I was afraid of success!!! My own success. My own potential to do good things on a larger scale. I am a confident, happy individual full of Love and life but deep down inside there remains a wound unhealed, that of an insecure child, unsure, full of self doubt and wracked with conflicting emotions. Wanting to do good things but not knowing how. A child desperate for someone to tell her "There's nothing to fear, you ARE good enough.". 


I am responsible for my inner child. I am the only human being who can heal the wounds of insecurity that lie at the deepest and darkest depths of my being. For me there is only one elixir that can heal the self doubt that binds me to waste time and self sabotage. Love. That's all I can do to help myself. So today I gently nurse my insecurities by changing my mind. I accept the challenge of my future, I embrace it because it's mine.It was meant for me and in my soul I know it's right and that I won't let me down. 


Faith in a Consciousness bigger and greater than mine calms and strengthens me because in the mind of the God of my understanding we are all perfect and in perfection there is no failure :-).

Believing What You Think Is Often Not Very Smart!!!

Today, I have been thinking about thinking and how thinking is bad thinking! LOL! Let me explain. 

One of my dear friends sent me an email that was full of feelings of sadness reinforced by negative thinking and self sabotaging self beliefs that inevitably had become False Evidence Appearing Real (FEAR).

I believe that what we feel or our emotions stems from one of two places in our Consciousness, LOVE or FEAR. Whilst Love has all the attributes associated with a positive and happy life - Joy, Gratitude, Beauty, Peace, Inner Calm, Appreciation, Strength, Compassion, Self Belief etc. Fear is the polar opposite. Fear encompasses negativity in all it's forms Anger, Bitterness, Doubt, Self Loathing, Judgemental thinking, Blame, Suspicion and of course Hatred either for oneself or for others. 

Fearful living and thinking keep people prisoners, locked in cells formed inside our own minds. It's a self created hell often stemming from false truths handed down from generation to generation not only by society but by the people closest to us who are suppose to teach, Love and care for our well being. These people themselves, our parents, families and friends are often themselves just passing on the negative thinking patterns they themselves have learned. 

Most people base their fears on past experiences, or experiences they anticipate may happen to them in the future. By focusing on these two extremes of times they miss the vital component of what is the most important moment of their lives, the only moment that is truly real, the moment called NOW. It's the only one that's real!!! The past is gone, we can't go backwards the future isn't here and none of us are guaranteed the next 30 seconds yet alone the next day, week, month or year! So why do we choose to fill our heads and force our emotions to live in a moment that does not exist? And what are the consequences for doing so? Is there a benefit from rehashing past hurts and allowing them to dictate our future which inevitably becomes our past from which we draw our emotions in the present?

Basing my response on the inspirational work of Dr Wayne Dyer I'd like to share the following with you. 

Take every negative thought you have about your body, or your life and who you are and put them throught this test. It's probably easier to write them down but answer this question about  the statements  that you have written. 

Is is 100% TRUE? Without a doubt? Is it TRUE?

If it is not 100% TRUE then there is a chance that the self beliefs that you hold, reinforce and tell yourself about yourself and your abilities are WRONG! If there is a chance that a self belief in not true then there is an equal chance that the polar opposite i.e. a POSITIVE self belief about you, IS true. 

Reverse the negative statement of self belief that  you have written, replace it with the opposite POSITIVE statement. Now say this statement out loud because there may be a chance that THAT statement of self belief IS true too because the chances are you can't swear the negative statement of self belief is 100% true.

BEaring in mind these are both self belief statements that YOU have found by questioning a current self belief that is negative. When you put them to the truth test can you honestly swear without a doubt that either self belief statement is 100%. 

There are two statements, one of them is negative and will direct your thinking and the way you interact with your family, your friends and the world. It is a negative thought and such will reinforce ALL of it's negative attributes, manifesting negative results because that is it's ultimate destination and it is rooted in Fear.

HOWEVER, the Laws of Physics and the Universe state that everything has it's equal and exact opposite which means that there is also a positive self belief statement to countrer EVERY negative fear based self belief. A positive self belief statement will direct your thinking and the way you interact with your family, your friends and the world. in the exact opposite way to a negative self belief. Positive self beliefs are founded in self Love and Inner Peace. Positive self beliefs simply offer the chance to manifest and bring into your life all that is associated with Love, the source and ultimate positive force of energy.


When you break it down, there are only 2 choices in life when it comes to how we perceive our own existence. We can believe and subsequently invest our emotional energy into Positive or Negative thoughts. It's a 50/50 choice but it is YOUR choice.


Life is cyclical, it goes round like the spokes on the wheel of a bicycle. There are moments when the spokes are down and closest to the ground but there are moments when the spokes are pointing directly up to the Heavens and everything is possible. The only part of the Wheel of Life that remains constantly in motion without moving from its central point is the Hub of the wheel, the central point from which all spokes of experience extend. The Heart of the Wheel of Life remains constant and solid, in us this is our self belief. Life will take us up and take us down but the wheel keeps turning. The only choice you have to make is do you wish topeddle forwards into unknown territory and explore the world or peddle backwards and go no further than the "truth" you have created from you perception of your journey thus far?


Life is not easy, but it does not have to be hard if we take control of our thoughts and channel the energy of our beliefs in a direction that enables us to find happiness for ourselves and sharit it with others. But only you alone can do the work. No one else can make your life better. No one else can wish you well or Love you more if you don't wish these things and believe them to be naturally yours to own in the first place.


Objectively and Lovingly appraising your life and acknowledging the part you've played in bringing yourself to this point in your existence (you're not just a passenger in your own life) does not involve blaming, sabotaging or beating yourself up emotionally, physically or mentally. It is about releasing the misaligned beliefs of our pasts, the pain and the unforgiveness. It's taking ownership and responsibility about who we are. It's being feeling not just thinking positively in our desire to sincerely change our crrent thoughts into a conscious mind that Loves and supports continuously without judgement.


When you are down and lost in the valley of sadness you still have the choice to either sit down in the dirt, writhing in agony from your own self pity or say "NO". Enough IS Enough! I am sick to death of being sick to death! I AM choosing Light over darkness, I AM choosing LOVE over fear, I AM choosing ME! 


Why??? 


Do you really need to ask? 


The fact that you were born gives you the automatic birthright to be HAPPY!!! As the commercial says "Because you're worth it!".


So what do you choose to believe?


The past is gone, take only from it its wonder and beauty for the rest is dust..

The Return of The Gemini!

Hello one and all, friends :-)


It's been sooooo long since I've written a post!


So much has happened!!! I've been on such an incredible journey of self discovery that it will take time for me to catch up with myself  and blog myself up to date.


My consciousness and Heart have expanded at an exponential rate! I've changed so much on the inside and I've finally got myself some good travelling shoes that should see me through as I walk along the road that leads to true happiness. It's an amazing, beautiful and humbling journey. One that has filled me with so much Joy and excitement. I've figured out my Life's purpose and I've discovered a deeper level of inner peace through meditation and prayer. I'm still ME! Nothings changed that drastically, however, I am more grounded and feel more connected to my Higher Self, the true me, the one that wants to live only in Grace and Love. Sometimes, I think I might go "POP"!!!


Thank you for taking the time to read this post :-) I have thought about writing sooo many times over the last few weeks and wanting desperately to share my thoughts and feelings and to converse with everybody kind enough to read my posts, it's no real excuse but time and Life just kept getting in the way!


Anyway, I'm back and I'm ready to write, I hope you like what you read :-p.


Lots of Love


Jenna :-)